Healthy Relationships

No relationship is perfect all of the time. In a healthy relationship, both people feel good about the relationship most of the time. Sometimes a relationship may need improvement. We can work within our relationships to make them better for us. Healthy relationships have six basic qualities:

• respect
• honesty and trust
• fairness and equality
• good communication

In an unhealthy relationship, some or all of these qualities may be missing; and because they are missing, the relationship may feel unfair or make us feel unhappy or unsafe. Everyone deserves to feel happy and safe in his or her relationships. If a relationship has unhealthy qualities, you can work to make it better or choose to end the relationship. We can all learn ways to make our relationships healthier.

We all want to be in healthy relationships. But sometimes it is hard to know if a relationship is healthy or unhealthy. Healthy relationships help us feel better about ourselves and about our place in the world. They make us feel happy and safe. Unhealthy relationships make us feel unhappy, insecure, or even unsafe. We can work to make all our relationships — with family members, friends, romantic partners, and others — as healthy as possible.

It can be hard to know if a relationship is healthy. Many people feel unsure about how healthy their relationship is. In a healthy relationship, people consider each other’s needs and make compromises so they both feel happy. One of the best ways to decide if a relationship is healthy is to think about how your partner makes you feel most of the time.

• Does your partner make you feel safe and cared for most of the time? If so, your relationship is probably healthy.
• Does your partner make you feel sad, afraid, or bad about yourself most of the time? If so, your relationship may be unhealthy.

But no relationship is perfect…sometimes even healthy relationships may have some unhealthy moments. Couples may be able to work together to create a healthier relationship, but, if unhealthy behaviors are a constant part of the relationship, it is likely that the relationship is unhealthy. If you are in an unhealthy relationship, you might consider ending it.

A healthy relationship ideally includes a shared respect for each other. People who respect each other are proud of each other. They are accepting and like each other for who they really are. They also listen to and value each other’s ideas and opinions. Ask yourself whether you and your partner respect each other.

• Do you usually listen to each other’s ideas and feelings?
• Do you treat each other as friends?
• Are you proud of each other?

If you answered yes to these questions, there is probably respect in your relationship, and that’s a good sign for you and the health of your relationship. Without respect, relationships can be hurtful. Many of us think it takes a slap or a punch to hurt someone; but insults and unkind words hurt just as much. They can destroy our self-esteem — how we feel about ourselves. Does your partner …

• make you feel ugly, stupid, or unsure of yourself?
• say you could never make it without him or her?
• call you crazy or stupid?
• ignore or make fun of your feelings or ideas?
• put down your race, family, culture, religion, income, or neighborhood?

If you answered yes to some of these questions, you may feel that your partner doesn’t have respect for you.

Honesty and trust are important parts of any healthy relationship. People build trust by being honest with one another. When we trust someone, we feel we have someone we can count on. We also feel safe sharing our thoughts and feelings with each other, which helps to bring us closer. In a healthy relationship, people can tell each other the truth even when it’s difficult. Lack of trust in a relationship can cause problems. It can lead to worry and jealousy. Jealousy is a normal feeling — everyone feels jealous, sometimes. We all have a choice about how we act on our feelings. Some people can become very controlling when they let jealousy get out of hand. Controlling behavior can break the trust we have in one another. When we trust our partner, we are confident in the relationship, less likely to get jealous, and less likely to overreact to our jealous feelings. Ask yourself whether you and your partner are honest and trust each other.

• Do you both tell the truth without fear?
• Do you both usually admit when you’re wrong?
• Do you understand each other’s needs for friends and family?
• Do you feel sure of each other’s love?
• Do you have faith in each other’s decisions?

If you answered yes to these questions, there is probably honesty and trust in your relationship, and that’s a good sign for you and the health of your relationship. Without honesty and trust, a relationship can cause unhappiness. Partners can doubt the other person’s love or commitment. In healthy relationships, people build trust by talking, listening, being honest, respecting each other’s feelings, and having fun together. Does your partner …

• lie to you to avoid taking responsibility?
• keep secrets?
• say things like, “You wouldn’t need other friends if you really loved me?” or “You’re cheating on me, aren’t you?”

If you answered yes to some of these questions, you may be wondering if you and your partner trust each other.

Good communication is important in any healthy relationship. Communication happens many ways in relationships — in person, on the phone, through e-mail or texts, and through body language, for example. When people in a healthy relationship communicate with each other, they feel comfortable and safe sharing their thoughts and feelings. They also listen to the thoughts and feelings of the other person. If they are worried or upset, they know the other person will listen to and support them. Ask yourself whether your relationship is based on good communication.

• Do you usually feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings with each other?
• Do you usually listen to each other without interrupting or judging?
• Do you solve problems and iron out disagreements together?

If you answered yes to these questions, there is probably good communication in your relationship, and that’s a good sign for you and the health of your relationship.  Without good communication, there are a lot of misunderstandings. In healthy relationships, partners are open and listen to each other. Does your partner …

• refuse to talk about your relationship?
• keep you from saying what’s on your mind?
• yell at you?
• refuse to talk about feelings and worries?
• refuse to find time for you?
• give you the silent treatment?

If you answered yes to these questions, you may be wondering if you and your partner are communicating well.